So, spring is finally here but…ugh…gray, cloudy, and rainy days are making my spirits droop. Which reminds me of the insidiousness of the depression I suffer from and how I need to constantly be on my guard. Here’s some ins and outs of the past week feeling not-quite-100%:
So our little spring break trip up to Jackson was -eh- fun. But a far cry from the relaxing vacation I was anticipating it was going to be. We did some cool things, and saw some neat animals, but I was struggling the whole time to keep from crying. Hubby was pretty sure it was PMS (and don’t you know how delighted women are when you point that out to them, hmmmm?) even though I don’t know if you can claim that for an entire month of crabbiness. Anyhow, I snapped at my kids and felt myself wanting to cry through much of the trip. I kept thinking, “I need a vacation” even though I was on vacation!
It’s a bad idea to skip medications. I never forget to take my antidepressants on purpose, but sometimes I am just so exhausted at the end of the day that I forget. And it usually happens that I’ll be feeling fine…..feeling fine….feeling fine….HIT A BRICK WALL. And that is when I stop and ask myself if I have been taking my meds faithfully. And the answer is generally no. I need to come up with a better system to remind myself…such as a phone reminder or sticky note on my mirror.
We weren’t meant to parent alone. And with Hubby working 14-hour-days as part of his current crazy schedule, I never see him and he gets home after the kids are in bed. This is stressful for both of us. Single parents out there, I salute you! I don’t know how you do it! I just got to the point this week where I felt like ALL I DID WAS YELL. And I felt like a terrible parent. I stopped at one point and realized I wasn’t enjoying my children. At all. My days just felt like a long loop of feed the kids, pick up after the kids, listen to the kids fight, yell at the kids to pick up their stuff and not fight, put the kids to bed while tripping over Legos and crayons strewn all over my messy messy house.
I don’t really have a solution to this malaise I find myself in right now with regard to motherhood, but believe you me, I am having these lurid fantasies of having a nanny who comes over for two hours in the afternoon, teaches my children foreign languages while helping them finish their homework and who lets me take a nap!
My house smells like pee. The four-year-old is *potty-trained*. But I use that definition very loosely. I will pass Spike while I am tearing through the house cleaning up some mess or other, and ask, “Did you pee your pants? You smell like pee.” And he will say, “Well, I just dribbled a little.” I might be completely daft, but my definition of “dribble” does not consist of a football-sized wet spot on the crotch of one’s trousers. ???
Sometimes I feel like running away. Not to anyplace exotic or far. Just to Barnes & Noble. By myself.
For those of you who have loved ones who suffer from depression: It is not helpful when you say something along the lines of, ” Well, you can be bummed out today, but I expect you to get yourself together to not drag the whole family down this weekend.” I love my husband but sometimes…like I said….not helpful.
Something to say that would be helpful for a depressed, overwhelmed, and trying to dig herself-out-of-a-hole-of-despair wife and mother:
“I’m here for you.”
“I understand you probably want some alone time right now. I would be happy to take the kids off your hands so you can do whatever you need to do to get yourself feeling better again.”
“What is something I could do in the future to help you out so you don’t get so low again?”
My current depression, which I would describe as a malaise, is not life-threatening or hospital-stay-inducing, thank God. It is managed beautifully on medication 99% of the time. I am just a little low. And my personality makes it very difficult to ask for help when I need it. But I think I need a little help right now to get back to being me.
Hopefully next week will be better! Don’t forget to head over to Kelly’s to see what everybody else is up to!