Hello! Yes, unlike the Easter Bunny on his little hippity-hoppity way, I DO Exist!! It has been a crazy and hectic and all-around exhausting school year with the kids thus far. And I am not shy to say I am going slightly batty with all of it. Deep breath.
Life is good. I can’t complain about anything major. We are all in good health, Hubby’s job provides well for us, we have clothes and food and leisure time. Lots of blessings and things to be thankful for all around. I hate to be a complainer.
…..Ugh. Sometimes I just need to VENT.
I have somehow gotten into the “thinking falacy” of believing that Everything Is (Or Should Be) Great. All. The. Time. Even if it doesn’t feel like it. Even if you are going slowly downhill after the drive to school, then the drive to ballet, then the drive home to make dinner then thirty minutes later the drive back to ballet to pick up the ballerina before dropping of the karate master at karate before driving home again for an hour of waiting to leave to pick up the karate master and then driving home again. And this all in the middle of a 45-minute production where the toddler hosts a massive and completely ridiculous screaming session in the car because I took away the pound of bubble gum she had “collected” from the minivan garbage can and the (not potty-trained, not trying) 5-year-old demands time on his portable video game for the 47th time today (…the answer STILL being surprisingly, “No.”) as the unmistakable scent of urine wafts up to me in the front seat. And then go to bed and repeat!!! And repeat. And repeat.
I haven’t vented to anyone in quite a long time because I don’t feel I deserve to vent. I feel like being frustrated with life is an inexcusable sin that a “good” person (especially a good mother) doesn’t get the luxury of feeling. I mean, I chose this life, didn’t I? I chose to have a bigger-ish family; to have 4 beautiful and special yet ofttimes extremely challenging children. I chose to live 30 minutes outside of the city limits, necessitating long and dull commutes rife with the opportunity for siblings to fight and every last one of them to take of his or her shoes and socks and make a “quick run to the store” a virtual impossibility. I chose to put my children in after-school activities that they seem to enjoy. I am not being forced to do any of this.
Motherhood, for all its joys, can just be plain hard sometimes. And it seems to be even harder when you don’t have a good outlet to vent. I have a few very close friends, but I don’t feel comfortable venting to them. Why is that? I know they won’t judge me for complaining about life. Maybe I feel it is that they won’t understand? Which is stupid because, even though their youngest children are older than mine, they have still been there! Of course, maybe it is also because most of my good friends (all with older school-age children, now) have gone back to a career and no longer seem as “desperate housewife-y” along with me as they once did. Their frame-of-reference has, quite simply, shifted. And I no longer feel as though I have that many friends who are “down in the trenches” with me.
This being Good Friday, I should probably note that Lent has been a bust over here, folks. This year I started off with the best intentions (not going to give up anything, but add in daily Bible reading and rosary) but that fell by the wayside about three days in. I wanted to get the kids to Stations of the Cross at least once but realized yesterday that the last opportunity (not having partaken earlier like I had wanted) was today at 3. I suggested to the school-agers that I pick them up from school to attend, at which I received a steady stream of whining and complaining and then getting stuck at the grocery store with the two youngest who were fighting over “unicorn poop” (those pastel multi-colored mini marshmallows I intend to put on the Easter jello) at the top of their oh-so-shrill little lungs, I just decided that I COULD NOT HANDLE Stations of the Cross this afternoon as a good Catholic. Instead of focusing on the suffering of Jesus on His way to death, I would just be sitting there thinking about how much suffering I was enduring caused by my children elbowing each other maliciously through me (as I tried to separate them) and the negative effects of child self-applied sugar.
I ask forgiveness.
Sigh. Well, I feel better cyber-friends. I think the glass of wine helped, too.
Let’s try and make this more of a regular thing, shall we?