{7QuickTakes} Weekly mishmash: Depression sucks edition

So, spring is finally here but…ugh…gray, cloudy, and rainy days are making my spirits droop.  Which reminds me of the insidiousness of the depression I suffer from and how I need to constantly be on my guard.  Here’s some ins and outs of the past week feeling not-quite-100%:

ONE.

So our little spring break trip up to Jackson was -eh- fun.  But a far cry from the relaxing vacation I was anticipating it was going to be.  We did some cool things, and saw some neat animals, but I was struggling the whole time to keep from crying.  Hubby was pretty sure it was PMS (and don’t you know how delighted women are when you point that out to them, hmmmm?) even though I don’t know if you can claim that for an entire month of crabbiness.  Anyhow, I snapped at my kids and felt myself wanting to cry through much of the trip.  I kept thinking, “I need a vacation” even though I was on vacation!

TWO.

It’s a bad idea to skip medications.  I never forget to take my antidepressants on purpose, but sometimes I am just so exhausted at the end of the day that I forget.  And it usually happens that I’ll be feeling fine…..feeling fine….feeling fine….HIT A BRICK WALL.  And that is when I stop and ask myself if I have been taking my meds faithfully.  And the answer is generally no.  I need to come up with a better system to remind myself…such as a phone reminder or sticky note on my mirror.

THREE.

We weren’t meant to parent alone.  And with Hubby working 14-hour-days as part of his current crazy schedule, I never see him and he gets home after the kids are in bed.  This is stressful for both of us.  Single parents out there, I salute you!  I don’t know how you do it!  I just got to the point this week where I felt like ALL I DID WAS YELL.  And I felt like a terrible parent.  I stopped at one point and realized I wasn’t enjoying my children.  At all.  My days just felt like a long loop of feed the kids, pick up after the kids, listen to the kids fight, yell at the kids to pick up their stuff and not fight, put the kids to bed while tripping over Legos and crayons strewn all over my messy messy house.

I don’t really have a solution to this malaise I find myself in right now with regard to motherhood, but believe you me, I am having these lurid fantasies of having a nanny who comes over for two hours in the afternoon, teaches my children foreign languages while helping them finish their homework and who lets me take a nap!

FOUR.

My house smells like pee.  The four-year-old is *potty-trained*.  But I use that definition very loosely.  I will pass Spike while I am tearing through the house cleaning up some mess or other, and ask, “Did you pee your pants?  You smell like pee.”  And he will say, “Well, I just dribbled a little.”  I might be completely daft, but my definition of “dribble” does not consist of a football-sized wet spot on the crotch of one’s trousers.  ???

FIVE.

Sometimes I feel like running away.  Not to anyplace exotic or far.  Just to Barnes & Noble.  By myself.

SIX.

For those of you who have loved ones who suffer from depression:  It is not helpful when you say something along the lines of, ” Well, you can be bummed out today, but I expect you to get yourself together to not drag the whole family down this weekend.”  I love my husband but sometimes…like I said….not helpful.

SEVEN.

Something to say that would be helpful for a depressed, overwhelmed, and trying to dig herself-out-of-a-hole-of-despair wife and mother:

“I’m here for you.”

“I understand you probably want some alone time right now.  I would be happy to take the kids off your hands so you can do whatever you need to do to get yourself feeling better again.”

“What is something I could do in the future to help you out so you don’t get so low again?”

My current depression, which I would describe as a malaise, is not life-threatening or hospital-stay-inducing, thank God.  It is managed beautifully on medication 99% of the time.  I am just a little low.  And my personality makes it very difficult to ask for help when I need it.  But I think I need a little help right now to get back to being me.

 

Hopefully next week will be better!  Don’t forget to head over to Kelly’s to see what everybody else is up to!

 

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{7QuickTakes} Spring Break Edition

The calendar finally says it’s spring!  Hooray!  Be sure to check with Kelly to see if everyone else over there is as excited about it as I am!

Here’s what has been going on here lately:

ONE.

This last week was my older children’s spring break.  Because Hubby had to work most of the week (ugh…he is on an insane schedule currently!) we were only able to take a few days away.  Our destination: Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

I am a mountain girl and I love me some Tetons.  We stayed up at the ski resort but, mainly due to the expense, did not downhill ski.  We settled for going into Grand Teton National Park and doing some cross-country skiing.  This was the first time Spike got on a pair of skis and he was a trooper!

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The couple that skiis together…is probably yelling at their kids through the course of this photo shoot because the oldest is hogging the camera, the middle two want to take pictures too, and the youngest one is trying to eat something in the snow that looks suspiciously like a chocolate egg but is more likely elk poo.

TWO.

This Lenten fast from alcohol is hard for me, not gonna lie.  Before, I enjoyed my glass of wine with dinner most nights and usually a cocktail or two on the weekends.  It was something I looked forward to.  Especially after a long day of dealing with the demands of several small (and oftimes crabby) people.  And now, I realize, maybe my alcohol consumption was tipping the scales at being a little too much.  Particularly because I miss it so much after only a few weeks of abstaining!  Yikes.  But maybe that is good.  To step back and reassess exactly how much I had been drinking.  Along with that, just to see if I can fill my craving for something more healthy (or…how about spiritual…since this is Lent, after all?).  But still it is hard.  I absolutely love wine.400px-glass_of_red_wine

THREE.

Earlier this week the two younger ones helped me clean.  I have to remember that it is the effort that counts.  Even if I have to clean up after them cleaning up.

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This is right before she ran off to do something else and slipped dramatically in her puddle of doom.

FOUR.

My framing project of a few weeks back is complete!  I ended up ordering a custom frame for the oddly-shaped oblong poster (which STILL wound up costing around $70 – AND I had to assemble it myself) and then bought a $15 poster frame at Michael’s for the other one.  The problem was this generic frame was slightly too big and I was faced with the problem of trying to make my own mat.  I had initially thought of buying matting board and cutting it to size, but ended up using a burlap ribbon I had lying around.  I glued it onto the backing and it seemed to work OK.  I was worried it was going to look goofy, but I am pretty happy with how it turned out.

FIVE.

Evvie (at 2 years 2 months) is currently in the violent throws of the Terrible Twos.  Today she had a knock-down drag out tantrum because I refused to let her play with a colorful feminine sanitary product she found in my purse.  This morning at breakfast she was upset that she wasn’t permitted to eat off her sister’s plate. She tossed her bacon onto the floor in disgust, loudly proclaimed, “No WAY, Mom!”  After a two-second pout, she announced, “I hung-y” (toddler speak for “hungry”), climbed down off her chair and, before I could stop her, grabbed the floored bacon and put it in her mouth.  Mommy’s gray hairs are fast appearing thanks to this one!

SIX

I have been really, really craving some alone time lately.  I am an INTJ on the Briggs Meyers personality scale, and that basically means “I Need To Just be alone sometimes for my sanity”.  Just kidding.  But it does mean that I am an introvert who recharges by being by my lonesome.  Which is really hard to do when you’ve got a family that includes young and hyper-demanding children.  Whom I love very much and would not trade for the world.  Just need a break from once in a while.

In the last two weeks, I have gotten the following exciting and fun opportunities to recharge:

1) One hour sans kids at the Public Library.  This pretty much is like winning the lottery for me.  I mean, going to the library alone. Never. Happens.  It was so invigorating.  I got to look at books without a devious toddler methodically playing snowplow with the books on the bottom shelf.  I got to read the summary on the back of a novel that looked interesting without my preschooler tugging my shirt and whining that this was boooooring.  I didn’t have to be embarrassed by the stern-looking adult book section librarian when my older two decided to illustrate their maturity to the masses by kicking each other and then announcing in very-unacceptable-for-the-library voices that it’s her/his fault, not mine!  Sigh.  Heavenly.

2) Annual lady exam at the gynecologist.  Well, the exam was not the rejuvenating experience to which I refer.  It was the waiting room.  Alone.  I got to read a magazine.

I guess I need to take what I can get!

SEVEN.

It was with great sadness that I heard about the latest terrorist attack.  In London, no less, where I anticipate going later this year.  With every fresh and horrific (and need I say, senseless) tragedy of this kind that occurs around the world there is an aura that we are not safe.  There is an insidious yet persistent scuttlebutt that fuels our worries: We are not safe when we travel, we are not safe when we are at home.  There is terror and mayhem lurking everywhere.  There is evil everywhere and there is no recourse for us.

Pretty much every time there is another extremist attack, another bombing or assailant driving a truck into crowds of people, my mother contacts me in fear and disgust.  Fear generally provokes her to say how crazy it seems to her that I want to travel to Europe. (I think she would be happier if I had announced I was going to sneak into and flamboyantly wave an American flag in North Korea).  Every new terror attack seems to cement in her mind that Europe is a dangerous, unstable place teaming with evil-minded religious zealots.  And she tries to make me feel nervous and bad about my decision to travel.

The truth is: travel will always be a bit dangerous.  It is fraught with risks.  But then again, so is life.  You have the option to embrace it, and open yourself to the opportunity for growth, or you can “play it safe” and stay home.  At home, you may never put yourself in the kind of situations where you might be unsafe, but expanding your horizons is a whole lot harder when you’re standing in one place.

So, that is my operative philosophy going forward.  I definitely hope and pray that a terror attack doesn’t ever affect my daily life or that of my loved ones.  I pray for the victims and for the souls and minds of the attackers who feel murder and mayhem is the answer.  But I am not cancelling my trip because it comes with risk (sorry, Mom!).  And, like wiser people have said before me, that the best way to stand up to terrorism is to show the terrorists that we will not be cowed by attempts to make us so.

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Have a wonderful week!